Armour

Its been days,weeks,months since you’ve kept that tough sheath over you. That unbreakable shell, that you were taught to keep upon yourself in any condition. We are so accustomed to feel worthless or weak when we let that sheath down.

Your tough armour lets you survive each day feeling like a warrior. You eat like a warrior, sleep like a warrior, talk like a warrior. As if you are going to conquer this whole world and just allowing yourself to show some emotions would make you feel weak.

You sleep less. You sleep restless.

This facade of being so tough and unbreakable looses its existence when you sleep at home. Like a baby. Drooling all over. That feeling of keeping 1 arm and 1 leg on top of your mother’s midwaist. Feels like putting a halt to this constant face off with the world.

People today are so hung up with the nightlife and others with the idea of it, that they forgot how it felt to sleep at night peacefully without a single worry, without keeping a track of whether its Saturday or Sunday.

You woke up today and decided to conquer everything by giving your best, being at your best self, with positive attitude and no negativity around. Everything seems so perfect and under your control. And then life happens.

Your electricity bill exploded this month, still struggling to find that perfect flat, still ate junk after deciding to eat healthy, still not hitting that gym, still got knocked off by your boss even after giving your all, still stuck in that traffic, still not achieved that body shape you desired for so long. Still stuck in 9 to 5. Still not started working on that dream of yours that you kept alive for so long, still juggling between “beta abto shaadi karle” and “abhi to meri age hi kya hai” , still having unsupportive parents but loving them to the moon and back. Still not made that job switch, still stuck in the same company, still that trip got cancelled, still lost touch with your friends, still has amazing nightlife and parties with friends but no inner satisfaction, still not made parents proud, still not made yourself proud,still woke up late and still standing there surrounded by crowd and feeling empty from within, still that feeling of being lost. And it never ends.

These things will always be there. ALWAYS. And I am not even suggesting to be all tough and strong 24/7 and just deal with it without any complaints. Wouldn’t that be being too harsh on yourself.

Just imagine a little 9 year boy/girl whining about how he fell off from his bicycle and his knees hurt. What would be your reaction. Exactly!!
You would never say- Shut up, dont cry, be strong. You ll handle him/her with care.
Then why we are so tough with ourself.

All we could do is have patience and be consistent with whatever we have set our mind upon.. Like Pankaj sir once said…khana bhi aajkl 2 minute me mil jata hai….2 minute me bana hua khana helathy nhi hoga subhachya nhi hoga….kam aanch par pakaiye….bhojan ho jeevan….theek rahega.

So what if you ate that pastry, just stay in this small battle and keep fighting until one final day you find courage to say no to it and finally eat something healthy instead.

Stay in the game until 1 final day, you look into the mirror and instead of feeling ashamed of how you look, you imagine your body to be in the best shape, you respect and love your body enough to feed it healthy, feed it good. And then hit that gym rather than the desire to look good in that dress or desire of getting compliments. It can be primary source of motivation though, until you realize change can only begin from within.

Stay in the game until you make that job switch not because someone said so but because you want to come out of your comfort zone.
Stay in the game until you make yourself proud.
Stay in the game until its your last breath and you feel like you did something worthwile. For YOURSELF.

Its Saturday!!!!

Finally!!!! Its Saturday.

I think you come to realize its importance only after you enter corporate. When you are 1 step away from again being in a world of constant need to smile at random strangers whom you have just known recently, of constantly trying to fit in and laughing on jokes you dont find funny tbh:/,riddled by the fact that why these 10 hours seem more than 24 hours,being in a constant pressure of being liked and appear “normal” to people around you because apparently if you cant initiate random small talks to absolute strangers and keep your resting face on jokes that you dont find funny then you are obviously weird.
Suddenly on this day, you begin to realize only if this day could be a little longer. Coz finally you have the peace after a “long year” of 5 days. Going back and forth on the same routine you begin to realize how did it turned out like this. Like one moment,you were there with yours friends sitting on that bench facing ground, watching them play cricket,volleyball,football as the sun sets laughing off on some random shit, people around you sitting in groups of 4-5 looking happy and full of life, while the other moment you are just stuck in this stupid traffic for last 1 hour. Only if you could stop this moment and be there 1 more time. Just once. That cozy room. Your friend would arrive unannounced and you would again have that 2 am maggie (and a cigarette hushhh). You should’ve laughed a little more with them, I wonder. That extended nice little trip from exam hall to hostel with the thought that problems are finally over not realizing they havent even begin yet. As you sit in your uber moto/rickshaw/cab headed towards the place you ll most likely be going for the rest of your life, you see some children playing and wondering if you can ever have that time back with no worries or responsibilies.
I see some little girl eating cake and chocolates and just wish, wish that she never knows about counting calories

I wonder if I could go back and ask my younger self to live a little more and ask my present self to stop trying to fit in so desperately. We are officially in a race . A race where  wanting to be someone, to achieve something has become so desperate that we are loosing the essence of whats so crucial. To be happy. Genuinely happy. Whats your idea of truly being happy? If I become famous then I ll be happy. If i get this job as this role in this company then i ll be happy. If i get placed/selected here then i ll be happy. If i get promoted then i ll be happy. Maybe to be happy is not that far or that condescending. Maybe being happy is just eating that ice cream you’ve been longing to eat since you have started following a strict diet:), just sitting with your person under a calm starry night and talking random shit. (just not anything related to how fucked up your day at ofc today was), listening to your favourite singer. It could be anything that simple. For me? Its just holding his hands as I walk to that finger licking chicken  stall down  the road every Friday night.

Outside the box

Ever felt the need to fit in? At some point in life maybe. Anytime. That one goddamn time. Oh my opinion is different from the group’s but rather than saying it out loud you kept the flow. Saw a group of people hanging out together and said to yourself damn, why can’t I be more like them, like more social more friendly. Why am I always the one who’s left out no matter how hard I try. Wanted to have fun keep partying but then again finding it hard to find people whom you can actually connect with cuz clearly shallow friendships ain’t your thing. Ever heard people whispering.. he/she looks weird…just because you don’t like getting involved in the superficial, mindless chatter and gossips these people do. Ever thought that as you start knowing these kind of people more, the more you like to keep yourself away from social interactions at all and pet an animal instead. If yes, then welcome! You aren’t the only one. I am beginning to realize that this world is just the place where culture of outgoing, assertive, showmanship prevails. That aggressive, self assured, cheerful, extroverted and outgoing personality is highly valued in this competitive, success oriented and materialistic world. That somehow if you aren’t talkative cheerful and outgoing then obviously there is something wrong with you. This world is just not ready yet to digest the possibility that somehow some people do like there own company, or sometimes they are just uncomfortable mingling with people or joining in groups, there own thoughts matter much more. And who the hell gave them the right to question people who just like sitting by themselves and labelling as someone with a “problem” apparently. Yes, they are happy and no it’s none of your business. I guess if you aren’t that talkative and cheerful you somehow must “fix” yourself and be more like them. Apparently one of my senior colleague suggested me this and who tf am I bulshitting, I even began changing myself thinking that there actually might be something wrong with me and that i should be more fun loving partying and more involved like “them”.I can’t even begin to describe how humiliating that was since I was second guessing my own personality. So with all due respect to that senior colleague I refuse. I refuse to ever look down upon me thinking that something needs to be changed or giving them the power to destroy my mental peace again. Yes I am different and I cherish it and I’m deeply protective of myself and there’s no personality trait that I am ashamed of and neither should you cuz guess what gus said . Oblivion is inevitable and we’re all doomed. And that one day all our labour would be returned to dust. And I know that the sun will be the only earth we will ever have. We’re gonna die anyway. No one’s gonna remember you anyway so just fuck it. Say fuck it to any energy that is drowning you. Say fuck it to anything or anyone suggesting you to try and be in certain way. You gotta live this life once. Just once. So just stop giving tiny tiniest bit of fuck to these suckers. Who am I saying this to? You? Me? Maybe both. Ah! Fuck it. Idc lol:)

UNsimilar

Heyaa!! People have different escapes from reality. Mine is this. Writing. So when do you feel like escaping from reality? I see so many happy faces on a daily basis that I refuse to believe that these happy faces might be dealing with some ups and downs, that they might be having “one of those” days when you justt don’t feel like connecting, when  people justt seem like pushover, interaction justt seem like the hardest thing to ever do.
But then again, I put on a happy face so can they. So those readers whose  life is going on track and are living the fairy tale of your life,you people may please just carry on but other readers who are here amidst of some crisis or have had some in there early 20s,you people are going to stick together.

Some of you are wild talkers in your own respective groups. But then again when the clock hits 1 or 2 late at night. You come out of your bubbly zone and cant help but see yourself travelling deep into the dark tunnel of your past that you left behind. Next morning it’s just hard for you to face the reality and be the happy cheerleader of your group. Should I say, don’t worry it’ll pass or should I say you should get use to it. Isn’t this the most natural thing a human body does in response to pain and despair. And let me tell you  do not ever dare to be entitled to some random crap’s definition of being happy.
If you’ve read till hear then congratulations you are in middle of people in there early 20s  who are chanting that yes, life sucks sometimes.
Now this section of readers in which I fall too, you entered your early 20s yeahh new job new phase of life new place new people. Enjoying huhh. Yes? No. Why? Gotcha. Tough time getting involved with new people. I know, it was never your thing to just start random conversations with bunch of people you’ve never known. You look like a weirdo don’t you trying to fit in among them. Just so that people around you do not put a label on you for being quiet and sad all the time Or your boss doesn’t label you for being so less involved with people. But who will tell these people and the boss that yes we are trying our level best to be the normal robots that they expect us to be. Remember YES SIR NO SIR MAI RUK NHI SAKTA SIR MAI EK RACE ME HU MAI RUK NHI SKTA from tamasha. Hilare. But hey, don’t let them fool you. There nothing wrong with you okay. You are as different as any other person around you. You never pointed them out for always being loud for always putting on that fake happy face. You don’t have to fit in. You hear me. You absolutely don’t have to fit in. Don’t be hard on yourself. I don’t know if I am comforting you or me.

Worth it!!

It’s been almost a year and a half since our current living situations became our new normal.We also saw our loved ones snatched away from us during these times and i can’t even begin to imagine how hard it isbfor there family to bear the pain of loosing there loved and closed ones.Others who are locked inside, your minds filled with rage wondering when will this get over sitting in your nice comfortable warm clothes on. Probably having meal of the day, sitting nice and comfy in your pyjamas on your couch, having nice dinner with your family , not ready to start next day coz you’re fed up with this repeated routine.

Well, what if I say you go for a grocery shopping only to return and see your neighborhood is all wiped out, no sight of your friends,your family or anyone you once knew. Or if I say some officials came at your door step to take everyone away including you and you have no idea where you’re headed. You can just find yourself and people that you once knew suddenly taken away with all there belongings left behind. Who will you turn up to? Because the people whom you consider to secure your human rights are themselves against you. What if I say you are packed inside a vehicle along with tens of thousands of others like you, without any ventilation and no source of air passing through for hours, maybe days. You don’t even have any idea where these trains fully packed with other civilians just like you are headed. Your father, he is just desperately holding the family together not letting you or your little/elder brother/sister and your mother of course to go away from his sight. You still have no idea what’s going on and when will you return home siting again in your comfy clothes, having that quality time again with your family without any chaos. You are just hoping for it to end soon. You must be wondering if there’s no room for air to come in that fully packed train then what about the sanitation? Well, imagine there’s no sanitation even and you have to live in that place for days.

After days,when you finally reach somewhere, you’re taken off immediately away from your family. Men away from women and children. Children as young as 6 or 7 years it doesn’t matter. If you’re a girl you’re seperated from your brother and father. If you’re a boy you’re seperated from your mother and little/elder sisters. You still have no idea why you are seperated from your family. When are you going to see them again. When is this going to get over and most importantly why’s this even happening to you and other tens of thousands of people with you.

You haven’t eaten yet, remember? Yes, those tens of thousands of people along with you, as scared and nervous and innocent as you haven’t eaten yet for days. It’s not like you are hungry for over a day so you’ll get to eat whenever you feel like it. Consider it more like starvation. Your body literally begging for some nutrients, your bones literally popping out and you just sit there in the awe
waiting for it to just end. You have no idea where your family is right now. You have no idea when will you get to meet them. Above of this all, you are certainly unaware what circumstances led you here. You gather some strength to ask your companion “Have you seen my family”? He answers- Can you see that chamber with smokes mate. Right there is your family.

You are dumbstruck and frozen as hell only to realize that now you know what has happened to your father, your mother, your little sister, your brother. You can see tens of thousands of more people carried to this place in that train, all having same fate. You can still see children as young as 10 years snatched away from there family and thrown into that camp to die, to get poisoned.

What for? What wrong did they commit? What led humans to commit such horrendous inhumane act. What led to such immense hate for people coming from a particular community or race or colour that led to such dreadful event to take place. What led them to kill a little child still unaware of his/her fate.

Us.
The blind believers.
The blind faith on those in power.
The blind call for being a patriot.

Yes, you guessed it right. This short story whereby you were putting yourself in shoes of those who were killed not long ago is inspired from the infamous Holocaust from Hitler’s regime. That dictator was that mesmerized orator who could turn whole section of country into believing that these mass murders were the symbol of patriotism. That if and only if they remove people coming from a particular community can they show there love for country. Strange isn’t it, You have to kill tens of thousands of innocent civilians to prove your love towards the country. Strangest of all is they weren’t forced to do so. They thought of it as a responsibility to wipe them off. That killing them all is the only possible solution. and the fact that these were called subhumans that is inferior to humans.Yes,this happened in reality.Millions of people including children died in the name of what? Nationalism? Hate for people just because they belong to certain community?A true example of what a human can do to other without a sense of pain running through his bones.

So, the question is do you blindly follow some people in power.Or have you heard misleading clips from various not so trustful news channels. Or have you just heard people talking great about some people in power and you blindly went on to follow there propaganda. Have you done reality checks on these people from verified sources? Internet is vast you see!!Do you have any opinions on how and what these people in power are doing to us? Cuz if you don’t you should’ve. Isn’t it our responsibility to not let history repeat. Won’t we be held primarily accountable for not being aware of root cause of such atrocities happening in the first place. Just because we weren’t even doing the least that is to be aware. Aware of where all these people in political power heading us to.

Apart from being aware, are you letting them plant a seed of hate against some community inside you. Are you more likely to hate a particular community to such an extent that if given chance you won’t hesitate to do any inhumane thing possible. What for? To show love toward your country? I am finding it  hard to understand that how in the name of love for nation can someone deprive themselves of having such basic human qualities like feeling pain while you hurt or torture someone.

So luckily, you aren’t 80 years back. You are still sitting in your couch having a nice comfortable dinner with your loved ones still hanging around, having hope that when things will come back to normal you still would be able to go places that you once knew. Safely .Appreciate this. Cuz some never even had a chance! !

Overthinking spot

Is it too long since you’ve cutoff on everyone except 1 or maybe 2 people around you? Or are you among those who aspires on maintaining some contact atleast? Or are you among those extraordinary people who are still on the talking terms with there friends 3 to 4 times a week, maybe more. Or are you a social media prick who posts just to make them feel better?

Well, if you find yourself somewhere except first one, you might be holding it together cause the first ones have started loosing it.
They might be thinking how did it ended up this way? How they got all caught up in these times? They could’ve tried better to maintain contacts. Why did they push even the bare minimum ones away? But, the real question is why they ended opening up with just 1 or 2 people even after coming from a big social circle in the first place? Guessed it right, mate. Here comes the team of overthinkers.

It’s like thousands of random thoughts running in thousands of dimensions thus coming up with thousands of self made conclusions, ending up making it dark inside there heads. Any scenario, no matter how small it is, they start procrastinating anything and everything to such an extent, that cutting each and every person around them off makes perfect sense. But for how long? On some fine day, they ll come out of this phase, only to realize that they weren’t supposed to be this hard on people around them, most importantly on themselves.

Hardest part is you cannot even share it with someone coz apparently you are at fault for being this hard on yourself and you are just overexaggerating things. So, what other option are you left with other than just to keep it all to yourself and bear it all by yourself. People are not much of any help in these situations coz if you haven’t gone through it you cannot feel it in your bones.

One minute they might be battling on the daily rising heinous crimes and watching people live in peace with this fact(not everyone) while the other minute they might be struggling how to start a random conversation with someone you’ve talked to just once or twice. Some people appears to be master of this art that is how to initiate small talks and apparently they ‘ve always wanted this at some point in there life.

One day they ll be giving excuses to not be in social gatherings, in this case fests,coz apparently sitting in pj’s binge watching there favourite movie or show while eating maggie is a better plan,the other day they might be stressing on why the hell did they loose the chance of creating more memories with friends. There heads are like oceans, you  might have to dive deeper to make them share what they are actually thinking.

There thoughts might go from people getting injured due to attacks, it’s impact on there family ,to people hating on each other just because some politician wants to spread his/her propaganda to be in power. The world is covered almost in some deep shit and you ll have to just focus on things that are still beautiful, still selfless, no demands, no expectations from there side. Be it the thought of sitting across the ocean in a starry night, wind touching your cheeks swiftly, some paws rolling all over you or staring the moon for countless hours, playing soft music on top of it would be a perfect time to unfold all the tangled mess of contradictory things inside your head and let the light in. Maybe then, the world would be a better place to live in and just maybe then they would sleep at night peacefully 🍁

The vacation

So now you are done with your intermediate and entering into this four year vacation trip worth remembering the rest of your life. After all, these are the years keeping you into a bubble away from societal judgements, real responsibilities, family and career pressures.
While you’re on this vacation you’ll come across people with vast diversity.

Some of them, frankly they are still a strong believer of this stupid education system dated back to Indus Valley Civilization. These people are found mostly at front benches. Doing every assignment on time, completing lab files before even asked, making class notes beautifully with red pink green pens lol. Seperate notebooks for each subject. Attend every class no matter what, arrive half hour before class even starts. They are most probably in the good books of teachers. Oh well, we mean no offense to these kind hearted people after all they are going to provide you the assignments to copy from lol. They do socialize well with people and engage in different cultural activities but still there primary focus is maintaining a good grade.

Some of them, they are not much bothered about maintaining there academics. This doesn’t mean they are not scared of system. They are. But, most probably working on maintaining there CVs by engaging in technical activities in college itself or more interested in socializing with people by engaging in cultural fests or some club. They start maintaining there academic growth some weeks before exams. These people walk in big social circles and they do have friends in good number to hang out with.

Now people above have already covered most of the list. Then comes this rare part. People here are least scared of the system. They are in special radar of teachers as they just stand out of everyone. They have the audacity to speak where everyone else is afraid,challenging the whole administration. You ll be amazed how they end up being friends with not just there peers but every single entity there be it mess workers, guards, cleaners, children roaming around of workers, even faculties. These people, they surely have some strong aura. Academics is of least importance for them. Most probably they are going to consider it exactly one week before exams, still end up getting a decent grade. Keep going you people 💜

Now this is extremely rare case that I personally like observing. These people will have little to no friends or social circle. You can hear people talking about them as weird or freak. But I personally think they enjoy there own company more, allowing very few people to let inside there social circle.
That’s the thing about quiet people, you drown in them still do not sink. You never know if they are dancing in a daydream or living the nightmares.

It’s okay!!

It’s okay…
It’s okay if u feel exhausted to be a part of this cut throat competition sometimes.
It’s okay if u sometimes feel too much and sometimes nothing at all.
It’s okay if you aren’t among those star students of your class who excels in academics.
It’s okay if you feel exhausted by this rat race sometimes.
It’s okay if you aren’t upto ur family’s expectations.
It’s okay if you cut people off for days without any reasons.
It’s okay if you don’t have positive attitude towards life at times.
It’s okay if your pessimistic view dominates your optimistic view sometimes.
It’s okay if your sensitivity and over thinking makes you sit in bed all day at times.
It’s okay if your life isn’t as glamorous and adventurous as social media portrays.
It’s okay if you feel everything to the very core of your heart that it gets dark in ur head.
It’s okay if you aren’t a part of some big social circle and you prefer 2 3 closed ones.
It’s okay if u want to cry all by yourself sometimes.
It’s okay if you are in search of something that consumes you amidst all relationship hypes.
It’s okay if dark is more alluring than light ever will.
It’s okay if melancholic music n songs makes you more energetic than ‘party songs ever will.
It’s okay if you don’t feel loved at times.
It’s okay if that incessant mind chatter inside your head is keeping you sleepless for nights.
It’s okay if you haven’t had everything planned for your future yet.
It’s okay if you aren’t happy all the time .
It’s okay if you don’t have much happy school memories to talk about.
It’s okay if you don’t have prominent achievements yet.
It’s okay if you don’t wanna talk about it,to anyone.
It’s okay if you idealise sitting in ur PJs binge watching NETFLIX to make yourself feel relaxed.
All you can do is wait. Wait for things to get better. Wait ,for you want to bring life to things again. Wait, for your mind wants to be in peace. Wait ,for that noise in your head to slow down. Wait till you realize you are in a constant loop of being happy and sad.For this is not a disease that needs recovery.All it need is time. Time to heal. Wait, for you’ll again find happiness in listening to a child giggle, imagination of paws around you for thick n thin forever will again cheer you up , sitting under moonlight and thousand stars will again make sense. You must be trying very hard to hold on to HOPE. Hope that there will be light flickering at the end of this dark tunnel and you have to keep walking until you reach at the final end. Hope that you are in a battle. A battle of fighting with everything that’s making you what you are not. And one should never stop fighting.

Season of placements

If you’re are a prefinal engineering  student entering into the ultimate year of your college life, or already into final year you’ll find this blog informative. Those who are already passed out are going to feel nostalgic and in a way find it relatable. Other section of my readers, you are already living one of those years free of major anxiety issues, stress, pressure and complex. 

After spending 2 to 3 years living some of the best years of your life, you are most probably entering the zone full of competition, heartbreaks, pressure, constant fear of judgement, fear of letting down people who’ve already had there hopes high considering the fact that you are doing well in academics so you might as well just crack any company. But husshh… Let’s take a pause here and know a little about different sections of people going to sit in these drives. 

There’s this section of students who are highly planned about process of drives and you’ll be amazed to know they’ve already started to build themselves up ever since they entered college and are punctual and calculated with everything they do. This section are taken by companies in first half or maximum in a month or two. 

Then comes this other section who are aware about the process and stuff but have no plan how to achieve it. They are trying anything and everything in random direction without any proper plan. So they end up doing random things rather than specializing in specific things be it any technology, tool, subject or language. They go through a tough 5 to 6 months span getting things planned, accumulating knowledge from different fields that they’ve gathered and applying it to a specific thing. On the top of it they are fighting a constant battle of inferiority complex, self doubt and a long phase of anxiety. But they hold on, on to hope. Hope that things will go in there direction sometime. And it do. But after a considerable time. 

This section I personally don’t like. Lol. This is the section that put less efforts but end up achieving more. Idk what exactly the reason is. Maybe there stars align maybe it’s some dumb luck. But there’s something else. Some energy maybe that makes everything flow in there direction. I mean, damn, how tf someone who’s trying so hard is not making it but someone with so little experience, skills, hardwork gets everything. It’s beyond science and I ll never understand the logic behind this. 

Now there’s this particular section in which I belong. This is a minority section because rest are not bothered about placements as such. They are the people with least updated information on companies, there process. Most probably they’re going to start preparing for drive after some company will arrive in college. They’ll have least interaction about these stuff with people around them. So they end up having little to no idea how to get started. But tbh, these little shits, they are fighters, with an ideology to not give up. Whatever happens. They’ll start pulling all nighters doing the best that they can. These people make it at the end of season but they do make it after facing a bulk load of pressure,fear of not getting placed, self guilt, doubt, watching there friends go get placed in reputed companies. Man, that shit is crazy. People start having second thoughts about themselves. 

So this is all about placement season. Different section of people going through different forms of difficulty. These days are going to be stressful, isolating you from friends and family. But these are the days that start building you up right from the roots. 

As they say, whatever doesn’t break you only makes you stronger.